Each time I suggest to a couple to put sex on their calendars inevitably their faces bend into an expression of dismay that implies, No! Not us. The eye rolling and disappointment is followed by a list of reasons they don’t need to. We’re just busy. We’re just tired. We know we need to prioritize it. Our baby is always in our bed. Sounds to me like these are good reasons to schedule sex and truly make it a priority yet this notion is met with great resistance.
We endure a cultural message that if you are in a healthy relationship sex should always be spontaneous, that your longing for each other should line up in just the right moment and it will be as hot as the days when you first met. This is an impossible standard for most people in long term relationships to live up to. Yet, culturally we lack the skills in how to keep it hot over the long haul. When the sex life ceases to sizzle the whole relationship can be affected as one or both partners becomes resigned, resentful or restless.
Intimacy is vital to healthy relationships and sexual wellness. Sexy time is one sure fire way that we can stay connected to our partners. Here are three reasons to put sex on your calendar.
1) Connection – Even for those of us who don’t have children but our lives are full with work, social engagements, creative passions or travel need to make special time for the one(s) we love. If your calendar is a reflection of the best person you choose to be in the world, how much of that includes quality time with the people you cherish most?
2) Anticipation is Hot – Anticipation is one of the cornerstones of desire. There is lots of natural anticipation early on in a courtship as you learn about a new person and your hormones keep you longing for the next time you’ll see them again. Boost the natural wane of anticipation by anticipating your next date for intimacy time. What will you do? What will you wear? Where will you be? What new thing might you like to try?
3. Erotic Exploration – Planning ahead allows you to have foresight into what environment you might like to play in and then set up a sensual feast. Will you use candles, bondage tape, toys, special oils or music? Maybe you’ll go out in your back yard or find a secluded beach spot. A little intention can add a lot of spice.
One tip for making your sex calendar work is to be regular about it. Pick one time per week and be consistent. Personal and self care time can be easy to replace with things that seem more important–this is ultimately another way resistance shows up. Put these dates with your beloved ahead of other responsibilities and hold each other accountable.
More than anything scheduling sex ensures that we will have it! Think of it as cultivation for longevity. If you are afraid that you won’t be in the mood or feeling up to it, just commit to being intimate. Start by snuggling, massaging or making out without putting pressure on a final result. It might be more appealing to call it intimacy time or connection time. Often even if we start out feeling luke warm once we slow down, become present and connect the fire starts to kindle.